Paris punched, Madonna baby-shopping, T.O. for kids

Spanning the globe to find only the most absurd celebrity news, here are the latest bizarre goings-on with those oh-so-special Beautiful People, along with your correspondent's quick-take on the topic.

* PARIS POPPED: Paris Hilton claims Shanna Moakler punched her in the face. Moakler, a former Miss USA and contestant on "Dancing With the Stars" this season, claims she was attacked by Hilton's ex-beau Stavros Niarchos. He supposedly twisted her wrist, doused her with a drink, and pushed her down some stairs. Hilton complains that Moakler swore at her, then gave Hilton a fist to the jaw. Hilton has been linked with Moakler's ex-husband Travis Barker, drummer forBlink 182, but Hilton's publicist says they are "just friends." You almost need a scorecard to keep it all straight.

My take: With "friends" like these, who needs enemies? Maybe Paris has a future as a professional wrestler... she must have talent at something, right?

* MADONNA KEEPING UP WITH THE JOLIES?: Madge visited an orphanage in the poor African country of Malawi, but denied she was looking to adopt a child. Is she looking to latch onto a celebrity trend by adopting from developing countries, a la Angelina Jolie?

My take: If Madonna is adopting, she's got a long way to go to catch Mia Farrow, who's adopted about a dozen kids from different countries. And when Madge's daughters get older, will she give them those pointy boob-cones instead of training bras?

* TERRELL OWENS'S SOFT SIDE: NFL bad boy T.O. has joined the overcrowded list of celebs (see Madonna above) who has written a book for children. Entitled "Little T Learns to Share," the book "depicts the travails of Owens as a boy learning to share his new football with friends," according to Publishers Weekly.

My take: Haven't seen an advance copy, but am wondering if the book will have chapters like "Don't be afraid to criticize your classmates if they're jerks," "How not to O.D. on candy," and "Demand a trade if your teacher sucks."