Dick Cheney Handling Security for Final Harry Potter Book

Seeking to keep the secrets of the final Harry Potter book under wraps, its publisher has confirmed that it has hired vice president Dick Cheney to oversee security for the title.

Scholastic Inc. says that it hired the VP based on his history of keeping secrets, disappearing into undisclosed locations for weeks at a time, and his tough-as-nails, belligerent attitude toward anyone who dares to disagree with him.

"Vice president Cheney is the perfect person to keep the final adventures of Harry and his friends safe from hackers and thieves who would try to spoil the surprise of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," a Scholastic spokesman said at a press conference with Mr. Cheney.

"If anyone tries to steal the book or post it on the Internet, I'll shoot them in the face," Cheney bluntly admitted.

Confronted with accusations that PDF files of the seventh Harry Potter book had already been leaked onto the Internet, Cheney at first denied the possibility of such an occurrence, then later said that if it had happened, it must be the fault of "bleeding-heart liberals and tree-huggers in Congress."

Sources who prefer not to be named (or shot by Mr. Cheney) say that the leak occurred when Cheney handed over parts of the security operation to his old colleagues at Halliburton.