Gene Simmons of KISS: Downloading Kids Should be "Sued Off the Face of the Earth"

If you ever run into Gene Simmons of KISS, don't tell him that you downloaded one of his albums from a peer-to-peer service... he'll probably rip you a new a-hole.

Simmons didn't mince words when he was asked about what he thinks about people who download music illegally: "Every little college kid, every freshly-scrubbed little kid's face should have been sued off the face of the earth," he said in a recent interview with Billboard magazine.

On an interesting side note, Simmons, who stars in the reality TV show "Gene Simmons Family Jewels," is now writing a book called, "Ladies of the Night," a "personal and historical overview" about the profession of prostitution. (Wonder how much is personal and how much is professional?) I guess Simmons has a higher opinion of prostitutes than kids who download music.

Maybe he can convince some prostitutes to buy his music legally...

Travis Barker is Alive, but the Flying Spaghetti Monster is Dead

Relief over the news that former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker is indeed alive was tempered by sadness: it has been reported by the highly reputable news source MySpace that the popular cult god Flying Spaghetti Monster, or FSM, is dead.

The news was announced in a posting by the respected 13-year-old MySpacer GothChik1994. In the same posting, GothChik1994 also reported that she is really bummed out because she has a big zit on her chin and her favorite hardcore band, Born of Osiris, is not coming to her town.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster, affectionately known as "Spags" to his many loyal followers, was reportedly found dead in his garage on Nov. 13th after returning home from an awards ceremony. FSM was said to have been drinking sacramental holy wine at the dinner, but it is not known at this time if alcohol was a factor in the alleged death.

The church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster uses specialized wines as its sacraments, including Boone's Farm and Richard's Wild Irish Rose.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster leaves behind his devoted disciples Rotini, Manicotti, Spaghettini, and Linguine.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster had requested in his will that in the event of his passing, he be cooked in a pan of water with a pinch of salt until al dente, and then drained and covered with white clam sauce.

South Korea's "Mr. Toilet" Builds His Toilet-Shaped Dream House

The South Korean president of the World Toilet Association, a man called "Mr. Toilet," has built his dream house, and it's shaped like ... well, a toilet.

Although the group is called the "World" toilet association, it's supported by the South Korean government, and supposedly aims to launch a "toilet revolution," and improve worldwide hygiene. Representatives from 60 countries will meet in Korea to discuss forming toilet associations of their own.

"The toilet revolution should start with talking about toilet issues freely," said Song Young-kwon, head of the organizing committee for the conference. Ummm,.. yeah.

Along with conference there will be a "toilet expo" for the public, including a "Hansel and Gretel" bathroom made from cookies and candy "that gives presents to children when they flush," and a cafe where people can sit on colorful toilets. ( Why hasn't Starbucks jumped on this trend?)

Supposedly this is the only "toilet house" in the world. Let's hope so.

Two Girls, One Cup The Sequel: Big Al's Next Venture?

If you haven't heard of the infamous "Two Girls, One Cup" video that's all over the Internet, you must have been living under a rock. Or maybe you've got poop covering your eyes and ears... though, I hope, not your mouth.

Speaking of which, that's what the "Two Girls, One Cup" video involves: Two attractive girls and a clear plastic cup. One girl supposedly defecates into the cup, the the two of them eat it.

As with all popular videos, a question comes up: What do you do for an encore, and who's going to produce it? Here's my idea: Al Gore, former vice president, should direct, produce, and star in a video production called "Two Girls, One Cup, and Al: The Sequel."

I can imagine Al Gore being excited about this idea. He's been VP, won an Academy Award, and won a Nobel Peace Prize, what can he possibly do for an encore that will be interesting and challenging? Creating a sequel to the "Two Girls, One Cup" video would be a strike of boldness, an undertaking even more momentous that him doing the macarena on stage at the Democratic National Convention.

I bet he'd appreciate the synergy between a "Two Girls, One Cup" sequel and his environmental dedication. "I'm deeply committed to the Earth and it natural wonders," I can picture him saying. "And nothing is more natural and down-to-earth than a fresh, steaming, stinking load of human excrement. In the biblical spirit of 'ashes to ashes, dust to dust,' it's a reminder of our mortality and the continuity of nature to see what we have eaten coming out of our bottoms, and going back into our mouths, and then coming out of our bottoms again. It's kind of like putting a mirror in front of a TV camera, and seeing those endless reflections..."

And Big Al wouldn't have to wear a suit, make a speech, or even create any PowerPoint presentations! (Unless he really wanted to, of course.)

Now I'm not sure if Al should do the pooping, or one of the girls should. I haven't seen the original "Two Girls, One Cup" video so I don't know if the girls are scantily clad. But having Al Gore scantily clad would not be a good thing, I would think.

So how about it, Al... umm, I mean Mr. Vice President? I've run the idea up the flagpole, let's see who salutes it! If you decide to take my idea and run with it, I promise I'll charge only a modest fee for the rights to the sequel to the "Two Girls, One Cup" video.

Pennsylvania Bigfoot Photos Mystery Solved!

So is that really a bigfoot or sasquatchthat's lurking in the fields of Pennsylvania, and recently captured on camera? Or is it a hoax?

The truth can now be told: It's Al Gore! Yes, the former VP has been looking for a new gig. After being a vice president, a presidential candidate, an Oscar-winning movie maker, and a Nobel Peace Prize winner--and inventing the Inernet, of course--Big Al was looking for a new challenge. Something stimulating, to be sure, but a challenge that didn't involve policy, or speechmaking, or PowerPoint presentations.

So what better way to stay occupied and re-connect the the natural world he loves so dearly, than to put on a hairy costume and wander the woods in Pennsylvania as a sasquatch?

That's my thinking, anyway. Stay tuned for my further thoughts on what Al Gore's next adventure might be.

How Many Indian Guitarists Does it Take to Play "Knockin' On Heaven's Door"?

That headline may sound like one of those ubiquitous "lightbulb" jokes ("How many __ does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"), but there's a real story behind it.

More than a thousand guitarists gathered in a remote town in India Friday to try to set a Guinness world record for the largest guitar ensemble.

Supposedly upwards of 1,700 guitarists played Dylan's "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" in Shilong; they were seeking to top the current Guinness record. That occurred last year, when 1,721 guitarists met in Kansas City to perform Deep Purple's 1970s rock anthem, "Smoke on the Water." The Indians seemed to have more than 1,721 guitarists strumming. (Wonder if Slash of Guns 'n' Roses was there?)

A story about the Indian event says there were no Guinness judges at today's proceedings, but the organizers of the Dylan fest claim their feat will be recognized because they have witnesses as required by the Guinness Book of World Records.

Rock on, dudes...