Rudy Giuliani at the RNC: "A Hot Dog is NOT a Sandwich!"

Ah, what's better than a rousing, red-meat Rudy Giuliani speech at the Republican National Committee? Here's what: photos from Rudy's famously over-the-top expressions. Here are a couple of examples.

Testify, Rudy! Maybe on the second night of the convention we can wade into the heated controversy of whether a burrito is a sandwich, or whether ketchup is a vegetable.

Answer: This guy! Rudy looks like Ted Cruz just pranked him by giving him a proctological exam with a hot fireplace poker. Just relax and unclench, it'll be over before you know it. Or maybe Rudy was really thinking, "Who should have been the GOP nominee in 2008? In 2012? In 2016? In EVERY election year?! Meeeeeee!"

Tonight's "Make America Safe Again" sounded more like "Scare the shit out of America so we all hide under the bed curled up in the fetal position."

Night two of #RNCinCLE coming up on Tuesday, July 19th. Tune in 'n' cringe!

Obama Nominates Locke for Commerce Post (Here's Why It Should Have Been *John* Locke)

The news reports are buzzing across the wires today: "Obama nominates Locke for commerce secretary." Now, the assumption is being made that he's talking about Gary Locke, the former governor of Washington State, but if Obama really wants to think outside the box, I have a modest proposal to make: Obama should choose the other Locke: JOHN Locke from "Lost."

Sure, John Locke has never held elective office, but you can't say he doesn't have political experience. (And don't tell him what he can't do, or else you might get a knife in the back!) Let's look at his substantial achievements over the last four-plus seasons. In this time he has:

* gone face-to-face with the Smoke Monster... and lived to tell about it!
* fixed the time-warping Frozen Donkey Wheel!
* effectively interfaced with people (and other entities) of all backgrounds, from department store customers to Losties, Tailies, the Others, and the Other Others
* earned the trust of his higher-ups including Ben, Jacob, Richard Alpert, and Christian Shephard
* has pulled himself up by his bootstraps (literally), going from a physically challenged wheelchair-bound sad sack to a hard-charging leader of the Others
* served effectively as a clerk in a major cardboard-box manufacturer
* shown loyalty and sacrifice by giving one of his kidneys to his lying, scheming, fat-cat, bird-hunting, threw-his-son-out-a-window father

And, of course, John Locke is, like Pres. Obama, a self-professed "man of faith."

If the president is looking for unique qualifications and wants to really "reach across the aisle (isle)," he'll choose John Locke as commerce secretary.

Stock Market Sags - We're Gonna Party Like It's 1997!

As of Monday, Feb. 23, the U.S. stock market has sunk to lows not seen since 1997. So in honor of this 12-year low and the vaporization of bazillions of dollars of wealth, let's look back at some events that occurred in 1997:

* Bill Clinton inaugurated for second term as U.S. President. Cigars and sex scandal to follow.

* Green Bay Packers win Super Bowl 31, their first since 1967. And Brett Favre had another decade-plus to play.

* O.J. Simpson found liable for the deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman in a civil court. (Years later The Juice would get his butt thrown in jail again for armed robbery... doesn't this guy ever learn?)

* the investment banks Morgan Stanley and Dean Witter Reynolds merge. How quaint... back when banking companies were growing instead of imploding!

* The English Patient wins Best Picture at the Academy Awards. People still watched the Oscars back then.

* the U.K. Labour Party wins election, ending 18 years of rule by the Tories. Tony Blair becomes Prime Minister and enjoys popular support. It was not to last.

* IBM's computer Deep Blue defeats Garry Kasparov in a chess match. Deep Blue gets drunk at a party and makes a pass as Karparov's girlfriend, so Karparov shoots and kills the machine.

* Steve Jobs returns to Apple Computer. More than a decade later he's lost hair and weight, but is still wearing the same damn black turtleneck and blue jeans.

* Princess Diana is killed in a car crash in France. Camilla Parker-Bowles marries Prince Charles years later. Britain harnesses the Prince's ears as a source of wind power.

Introducing the MacBook Wheel - No Keyboard, Just One Big Clickwheel!

The Onion has done a great send-up of the Macworld conference hysteria with this report on the MacBook Wheel (video below), a laptop computer that has no keyboard and instead has a big iPod-like clickwheel to provide input.

Why bother typing out a sentence when you can accomplish the same thing with a few hundred clicks of the wheel?

And as one Mac fan blurts out, "I'll buy almost anything if it's shiny and made by Apple."


Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Paris Hilton for Prez Update: Tells Palin to "Show Skin"; Chats with Martin Sheen

Paris Hilton has been kind of silent in her presidential campaign lately, but now she has a new video (below).

In the video Hilton:
* chats with Martin Sheen, the famous fake TV president;
* talks up fo-po (foreign policy);
* names her running mate (Rihanna);
* discloses her inauguration party plans;
* and gives Sarah Palin some advice: take your clothes off! (she urges the governor to "show some skin")

Vote Paris Hilton in 2008 ... our next great fake president!

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Sarah Palin - Little Known Facts!

Sarah Palin has definitely arrived as an Intenet celebrity... Cnet has reported that Palin has now inspired several Web collections of "little known facts," of the same type as the popular "Chuck Norris Facts." (Apparently Norris has chosen some of his own favorites from the facts featured on the site devoted to him.)

Among the Sarah Palin "little known facts":
- Sarah Palin taught MacGuyver everything he knows.
- Sarah Palin always beats the point spread.
- Sarah Palin knows the last digit of pi.
- Sarah Palin wants more cowbell.
- Sarah Palin drives herself to work everyday - in an M1A1 tank.
- Sarah Palin CAN eat just one Pringle.
- Glasses sales up 150 percent since Sarah palin became nominee.

You can find these and many other Sarah Palin little known facts at www.palinfacts.com/ and on Twitter.

Got some of your own? Add them here!

Bigfoot Press Conference: Creature Announces Book, Movie Deal

Tired of the endless rumors and speculation, the so-called Georgia Bigfoot creature is holding a press conference Friday to address questions about his life, his future, and his very existence.

Sources indicate that Bigfoot, who is known to his friends as "Bucky" or sometimes "The Buckster," was troubled that photos said to be of him were circulating all over the Internet, many of them fake... and that he was getting none of the money.

It has been confirmed that Bucky has signed an exclusive deal with the William Morris Agency to act as his agent and handle his various business dealings. This includes a deal with Getty Images to handle the licensing rights for all authentic images of Bigfoot.

William Morris handles many top film, music, and other celebrities, and Bigfoot's agreement is said to include a two-book deal and options for at least two films, one an autobiography and the other a Bollwood-style musical based on the life of a fictional Appalachian bigfoot-type creature who seeks to make it big in the movie business.

John McCain Names the Montauk Monster His Running Mate

Wolf Blitzer breaks the news: McCain picks Montauk Monster for VP!

Seeking to prove that Republicans can offer "change" just as well as the Democrats, John McCain has reached deep into the diversity well and chosen the Montauk Monster as his running mate.

The Montauk Monster, which became an instant celebrity last week after pictures of it lying on a Long Island beach were published in Gawker and other places, has made headlines not just in local news sources like Newsday and the Hamptons' Plum TV, but also Scientific American and CNN.

Approached while running to catch a plane, McCain would neither confirm nor deny the choice of the Montauk Monster as veep, saying only, "The Montauk Monster has touched a lot of Americans in the last week or so, and I know he believes in the values that my campaign is stressing. Like me, Monty shares a love of American freedom and a firm belief that lower taxes, less government regulation, and offshore oil drilling will keep America strong and prosperous."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was less enthusiastic about the potential VP choice. "An old, decrepit, rotting corpse is not the change America is looking for. And having the Montauk Monster on the ticket doesn't help, either."

Of course, the seemingly dead creature known affectionately as "Monty" must clear some piddling legal hurdles before being able to accept the number-two spot on the Republican ticket: Is he 35 years old? Is he human (I'm not sure if the Constitution specifically demands a "human")? Then there are of course the traditional political skeletons-in-the-closet questions to be tackled: Has the Montauk Monster had any tawdry affairs, hired an illegal nanny, played footsie in an airport bathroom with a Federal agent, etc.

Montauk Monster Has Curious Americans Wondering, "WTF *is* that Thing?!"

Four-dollar gas. Recession. An endless war overseas. But the thing that's preoccupying Americans these days is a butt-ugly, bird-beaked, nekkid-as-a-jaybird rotting animal corpse that's washed up on the northeast end of New York's Long Island. So what the hell is this "Montauk Monster," as it's being called?

[BREAKING NEWS: John McCain has named the Montauk Monster his running mate!]

Here are some possible explanations of what the Montauk Monster is, ranging from the practical to the absurd (you can decide for yourself which is which). [UPDATE: A blog called Amnesia Blog has a good collection of Montauk Monster pictures, so you can get a better look at The Thing.]

* Lab experiment gone wrong, escaped from a nearby agricultural research facility, the Plum Island Animal Disease Center
* A turtle without a shell (never mind the fact that turtles can't just detach from their shells, like in those TV cartoons)
* A shaved raccoon
* An alien creature from outer space, come to warn us about the end of the world (or to go on a tour of one of the North Fork's many wineries)
* A new undiscovered species of animal, just out looking to check out some of the North Fork's wineries
* A pretty snazzy creation of someone's imagination and a lot of time spent on Photoshop
* An escaped pet (notice the cloth wrapped around it's right front arm... leg... whatever it is)
* A very large rat, escaped from the NYC subway or maybe the Long Island Rail Road (it got injured after not Minding the Gap)
* A Department of Defense experiment - a successor to the attack badgers the British were supposedly using in Iraq
* A very lifelike synthetic creature made by an unemployed movie prop maker with a lot of free time and even more spare latex
* A viral marketing stunt for a sci-fi TV show
* Joan Rivers fell off a cruise boat... this is how she looks without her wig

What do you think the Montauk Monster is? Let us know!

What is "Aught"? And What Ought We Do About It?

Ever since late 1999, the word "aught" has troubled many people around the world. While some people fretted about the computer millennium bug or the possibility of the end of the world at the change of the millennia, others worried about the aught problem.

So what does aught mean? It can mean "anything," or "all" or "everything" according to Merriam-Webster, as in "for aught we know, he's a feisty rodent." But as a noun, aught means zero. So aught came up in the late 1990s as the answer to the question, What do we call this new decade?

The 1990s are "the Nineties," the 1920s are "the Twenties," but what name do you give a decade whose first number is zero? Many people suggested using aught. So the current decade would be called "the Aughts," as in, "Yeah, I was into snowboarding in the Nineties, but in the Aughts I got old and fat and started playing Wii Golf."

Yes, the Aughts is a really awkward and odd-sounding name for a decade, but we're coming to the end of the Aughts and no one seems to have come up with a better or more acceptable name.

Entomological Dysplasia: Can I Really Turn Into a Bug?

An op-ed article called "A Bug’s Life. Really." in today's New York Times has got people questioning whether entomological dysplasia, an affliction in which a person can develop the anatomical features of an insect, has got people wondering if this is a real condition. The op-ed questions whether the main character in Kafka's “The Metamorphosis" is really fiction, since the article suggests that entomological dysplasia is a real condition.

Never fear, you won't turn into a cockroach. Entomological dysplasia is indeed a nonexistent disorder. The author of the op-ed, Mark Leyner, is simply riffing on the recent spate of cases in which memoirists have been found to have made up their stories.

The fact that Leyner refers to Kafka as still living is I guess his tip-off that the article is fictional (Kafka died in the 1920s). Another tip-off, for those who know of Mark Leyner, is that he is the author of this piece. The the bio at the end of the op-ed it simply said that Leyner is a novelist and screenwriter, or something like that. But many people would refer to Leyner as a "comic novelist" or "humorous novelist": his novels are usually offbeat humor with titles such as "My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist" and "Et tu, Babe?"

Leyner is also co-author of the (mostly) nonfiction books, "Why Do Men Have Nipples?" and "Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?"

So if you're worried about entomological dysplasia can rest easy. You won't be sprouting antennae or a shell anytime soon. (Unless you live near a nuclear reactor in a town called Springfield populated by yellow-skinned people.)

New Knight Rider: KITT and Kitsch

Knight Rider was a cheesy 1980s TV show about a high-tech, computerized crime-fighting car that would sometimes sass its owner... that's right, it was a talking car called KITT. Well, NBC has pulled KITT out of the junkyard and is airing a new Knight Rider movie on Sunday night, with the possibility of a series to follow. Are the studios really that desperate for show ideas? Maybe they should have kept KITT in the junkyard with Herbie.

The driver of the original KITT was Michael Knight, played by king of kitsch David Hasselhoff. "The Hoff," of course, later went on to become a legend of cheesy TV with "Baywatch," and recently he was seen in a YouTube video, eating a cheeseburger while lying drunk and shirtless on his floor while his daughters begged him to sober up. But I digress...

The new Knight Rider airs at 9 p.m. Eastern on Sunday, and of course this is a new KITT for the 21st century, with all kinds of new gadgetry, including shape-shifting capabilities. I bet it even has side airbags and cup holders. And get this: the new KITT is a Ford! C'mon, how believable is that?

Is Knight Rider really an idea that needed to be revived for the new millennium? The reviews have said that "The Hoff" himself even has a cameo role, reprising his role as Michael Knight. Yes Mr. Knight is older, but is he any wiser? I'm betting we won't see him lying on the floor drunk while chomping on a burger. Imagine the sarcastic comments KITT would make about that!

What is the Bowflex Revolution?

I must say I was surprised at seeing all these blog posts and comments talking about something called the Bowflex Revolution. It sounds like some kind of historic battle, like the Battle of the Bulge, the Norman Conquest, or something like that. And "Bowflex" sounds like one of those old Scottish weapons from "Braveheart," doesn't it? I can just picture one of those History Channel re-enacters in his multicolored plaid kilt, stroking his red beard while recounting with a thick Highland brogue, "Yeah, the Claymore Conquest was a big moment for us, but we couldn't really hold our ground until after the Bowflex Revolution was finished."

Fortunately, after viewing too many late-night commercials over the decades, I knew that Bowflex is not a medieval battlefield weapon but a home gym that lets you do dozens of exercises (or hundreds, the company's Web site claims) in a compact unit in the home... like one of those exercise stations in a gym, but with a lot more attachments and options. From what I can tell, the unit looks like the traditional Bowflex unit, with flexible strips creating the resistance, but the Bowflex Revolution seems to have a traditional looking barbell with free-weight plates on the back of it (Brett Favre is using the machine on the Bowflex Revolution home page).

If advertising can be believed, the Bowflex Revolution helped Brett Favre prepare for the latest NFL season, which saw a great comeback by him and his team. Brett is indeed in great physical shape. I'd like to see what he could do with a claymore... maybe that would have helped him beat the Giants in the playoffs.

Blackberry Outage Causes Havoc

A major outage of the service that runs the Blackberry handheld devices lead to havoc all over North America Monday. Business people who usually maximize every second of productivity out of their days with no allowance for unplanned downtime found themselves totally unplugged.

Without their electronic security blankets, the stranded Blackberry users were forced to engage in unfamiliar activities: making phone calls on an actual phone, talking to human beings face to face, and even looking where they were going when driving and walking across the street!

The maker of the Blackberry, Canadian firm Research in Motion (RIM) had what it described as a "critical severity outage" affecting users in the Americas. A news article said that RIM notified its customers of the Blackberry outage by e-mail... though RIM didn't seem to explain how Blackberry users would get that e-mail if their Blackberry units weren't receiving a signal.

Maybe that Federal Express Super Bowl commercial with the fleet of carrier pigeons is on to something...

Debbie Clemens Said to Get HGH Injections

If you believe Brian McNamee, Roger Clemens wasn't the only member of that famous baseball family getting injections of human growth hormone (HGH) in the butt.

Testifying before U.S. congressional investigators this week, McNamee is said to have told the panel that he injected Debbie Clemens, the wife of Roger Clemens, with HGH in 2002, according to a story in the New York Daily News. McNamee said the Debbie Clemens took the injection as part of getting in shape before she posed in a bikini for a photo with her husband for the 2003 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Debbie Clemens was 39 years old at the time, and was one of several wives of sports stars that appeared in the swimsuit issue.

McNamee testified that he injected HGH into Debbie Clemens at the direction of Roger Clemens, the Daily News quoted a source close to McNamee as saying.

It's getting pretty complicated, with both Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee having multiple lawyers speaking for them. Hmmm, I wonder if Debbie Clemens is going to have a couple of lawyers speaking for her? How about the Clemens kids... do they have lawyers, too?

And what of Brian McNamee hanging for several years to gauze pads and medical debris supposedly containing Roger Clemens's blood and other gook... does McNamee do that for all his clients? Maybe he's got a room in his house that has row after row of bottles containing bloody gauze pads and used syringes for each of his clients...

And who else has Brian McNamee been jabbing in the butt with his 'roid-rage syringes?

Who knows what the next development will be in this legal process and in baseball. Maybe the U.S. chemical industry could do a series of TV commercials talking about its important contribution to America's national pasttime: "Baseball: Better Living Through Chemistry!"
"McNamee discussed his wife's use before the committee," the source told the Daily News. "She was trying to get in shape for the SI cover. He told them the story that Debbie took growth."

Debbie Clemens was 39 at the time of the photographs that appeared in the publication and wowed people with her figure. Now there are questions abound whether or not it was due to performance enhancing drugs that made her that way.

Pepperidge Farms "Connecting Through Cookies" Web Site... Huh?

Cookie maker Pepperidge Farms has gotten into the social networking business, according to reports in the NY Times and elsewhere. The idea is to foster friendships around the brand's cookies and other snacks, and the campaign's tagline is... "Connecting through Cookies." What are these people smoking?

Pepperidge Farms has created a Web site, artofthecookie.com, where their target audience (women) can connect... and stuff their faces with endless bags of Mint Milanos, no doubt.

The head of the baker's PR agency is happy about the approach it designed. “The Web offers us so much opportunity for blowing ideas out,” said James Allman, chief executive at DeVries Public Relations in New York. Blow, baby, blow!

Maybe Pepperidge Farms can then create another Web site to help all those newly obese cookie-connectors lose weight... they can call it "Chat to Lose the Fat," or something.

Travis Barker is Alive, but the Flying Spaghetti Monster is Dead

Relief over the news that former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker is indeed alive was tempered by sadness: it has been reported by the highly reputable news source MySpace that the popular cult god Flying Spaghetti Monster, or FSM, is dead.

The news was announced in a posting by the respected 13-year-old MySpacer GothChik1994. In the same posting, GothChik1994 also reported that she is really bummed out because she has a big zit on her chin and her favorite hardcore band, Born of Osiris, is not coming to her town.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster, affectionately known as "Spags" to his many loyal followers, was reportedly found dead in his garage on Nov. 13th after returning home from an awards ceremony. FSM was said to have been drinking sacramental holy wine at the dinner, but it is not known at this time if alcohol was a factor in the alleged death.

The church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster uses specialized wines as its sacraments, including Boone's Farm and Richard's Wild Irish Rose.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster leaves behind his devoted disciples Rotini, Manicotti, Spaghettini, and Linguine.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster had requested in his will that in the event of his passing, he be cooked in a pan of water with a pinch of salt until al dente, and then drained and covered with white clam sauce.

South Korea's "Mr. Toilet" Builds His Toilet-Shaped Dream House

The South Korean president of the World Toilet Association, a man called "Mr. Toilet," has built his dream house, and it's shaped like ... well, a toilet.

Although the group is called the "World" toilet association, it's supported by the South Korean government, and supposedly aims to launch a "toilet revolution," and improve worldwide hygiene. Representatives from 60 countries will meet in Korea to discuss forming toilet associations of their own.

"The toilet revolution should start with talking about toilet issues freely," said Song Young-kwon, head of the organizing committee for the conference. Ummm,.. yeah.

Along with conference there will be a "toilet expo" for the public, including a "Hansel and Gretel" bathroom made from cookies and candy "that gives presents to children when they flush," and a cafe where people can sit on colorful toilets. ( Why hasn't Starbucks jumped on this trend?)

Supposedly this is the only "toilet house" in the world. Let's hope so.

Pennsylvania Bigfoot Photos Mystery Solved!

So is that really a bigfoot or sasquatchthat's lurking in the fields of Pennsylvania, and recently captured on camera? Or is it a hoax?

The truth can now be told: It's Al Gore! Yes, the former VP has been looking for a new gig. After being a vice president, a presidential candidate, an Oscar-winning movie maker, and a Nobel Peace Prize winner--and inventing the Inernet, of course--Big Al was looking for a new challenge. Something stimulating, to be sure, but a challenge that didn't involve policy, or speechmaking, or PowerPoint presentations.

So what better way to stay occupied and re-connect the the natural world he loves so dearly, than to put on a hairy costume and wander the woods in Pennsylvania as a sasquatch?

That's my thinking, anyway. Stay tuned for my further thoughts on what Al Gore's next adventure might be.

The 20 Worst Rhymes In Pop Music History, from Cracked.com

Just last week Blender magazine put out its list of the worst lyricists in rock.

On a similar theme, Cracked.com has assembled what they consider the 20 worst rhymes in pop music history. We've all heard rhymes in music that make us cringe, the Cracked folks have reminded us of some of the most dreadful in one handy article.

Some of these rhymes I hadn't heard before, and they are truly atrocious. Others are old "favorites" (for lack of a better word).

There's a comments section too, so feel free to jump into the pool.