Alec Baldwin Explains Phone Rant: "I Was Trying Out for Imus's Job!"

Yes, Alec Baldwin has caught a lot of flack for his phone tirade at his daugter, Ireland. He yelled at her a couple of weeks ago for not being available to talk with him at their pre-arranged time.

I've now come up with a reasonable explanation--Alec was just auditioning for Don Imus's old job! The I-Man has been ranting and raving on morning drive-time radio for decades, so Baldwin knew the bar was set pretty high for anyone seeking to fill Don's shoes (or his cowboy hat). So Alec channeled his angry, confrontational character from "Glengarry Glen Ross" (thankfully without the profanity).

Hmmm, let's picture this... "Ireland, put the Barbie doll DOWN! .... Barbie dolls are for closers only. You know what it takes to be my daughter?! It takes brass balls to be my daughter."

Hey, I'll always admire Baldwin for that great Glengarry role, and for his hilarious current turn on "30 Rock." I'd hate to see him denied visits with his kid just because of this one rant ... if this kind of blow-up is a recurring thing, well, that's another matter. He went on "The View" and said that he was considering giving up his role in "30 Rock" and even his acting career in general to spend more time concentrating on his family.

Shaving and losing some weight would do him some good. If nothing else, it would make him look less like a middle-aged crazy when he appears in court for a custody hearing.

Imus Apologizes for Scaring Small Children, Dogs

Already at the center of controversy over his derogatory comments about the Rutgers University women's basketball team, Don Imus has created another firestorm after the publication of pictures of his frightening new look at an appearance on Rev. Al Sharpton's radio show Monday.

Photos of Imus's long, scraggly white hair and overgrown eyebrows, combined with his trademark scrunched-up face, reportedly caused hundreds of cases of frightened children and agitated pets nationwide.

Like many people, I hadn't seen any photos of Imus that were more recent than the 1980s, when he had a head of curly hair. So seeing today's Imus was quite a shock -- and a scary one at that. He looks like what Captain Kangaroo, the children's TV show host from the 1960s, would look like if he had grown his hair long and lost 50 pounds from being held for years in a Turkish prison. (And if Captain Kangaroo had Andy Rooney's unruly, overgrown eyebrows transplanted onto his face.)

Don, get a haircut! You work in New York City, not in some cabin in the woods, sharing a bunk with the Unabomber!

Dream Season Ends for Rutgers Women's Hoops Team

Rutgers' dream season came to a crashing thud at the hands of the powerful Tennessee Volunteers Tuesday night at the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland. The team's improbable run this season had included a remarkable turnaround from a 2-4 start for the young team. And it was punctuated by key victories over archrival Connecticut in the championship game of the Big East tournament, and big wins in the NCAA tourney over powerhouses Duke and LSU. More remarkable still was that Rutgers had no seniors on its team.

But the Rutgers run came to an end at the hands of a bigger and more experienced Tennessee team, the most successful program in women's NCAA basketball. The Lady Vols captured their seventh title by beating Rutgers at its own game, with suffocating defense. UT's bigger lineup also enabled them to amass a huge edge in offensive rebounds, leading to Tennessee having many more shot opportunities that their rivals from New Jersey.

Spirits were high at a pre-game party for the Rutgers faithful, sponsored by the alumni association and held at a Jacobs Field dining room adjacent to the Arena. The Rutgers band and cheerleaders were there, as were the university president, the men's football and basketball coaches, and many fans and alums from the Rutgers community.

Although women's basketball coach C. Vivian Stringer has set a record by being the only basketball coach (men's or women's) to take three different teams to the NCAA Final Four (this was the second time with Rutgers), she was still looking to win her first NCAA title. Among those attending the Rutgers pre-game party were several women who had played for Stringer at the first team she took to the Final Four, Pennsylvania's Cheyney State, whom she took to the pinnacle of college basketball in 1982.

Despite such historical meanings a Rutgers title would have, Stringer was not to get her title this night in Cleveland. But the good news is that she has a young team of talented players who will all be back next year. Rutgers fans are hoping to have another pre-game party before the championship match next year in Tampa, where the 2008 women's Final Four will be taking place.

Coroner Confirms: Anna Nicole Smith is Still Dead

Although she was pumped up with enough drugs to keep the dinosaurs alive for another few thousand years, medical authorities have reported that Anna Nicole Smith is indeed still dead.

In an excruciatingly detailed autopsy issued Monday, medical authorities confirmed that the Playboy playmate/ actress/porn star has not risen from the dead, and is unlikely to do so at any time in the future, not even with Easter coming up soon.

"The good news is that Smith has enough drugs in her that her estate will not have to pay the expense of providing any embalming fluids. She will still be embalmed when that nuclear waste out in Nevada has stopped leaking radiation," remarked medical examiner Phineas T. Urinebags. "The bad news is that she is, in fact, still dead. Despite all the drugs in her system, no brain activity has been seen since she passed away."

Some medical authorities and other observers have commented that Smith showed little brain-wave activity when she was still alive.

Smith accidentally overdosed on at least nine prescription drugs, including a powerful sleep syrup that she sometimes swigged out of the bottle, after a spell during her last few days in which she endured stomach flu, a 105-degree fever, heavy sweating, and an infection on her buttocks from repeated injections.

Thankfully, the autopsy was a little light on the details of Smith's buttocks-injection activities. Though I'd guess there's a video of some of it somewhere on YouTube.

The autopsy noted that the former Playboy playmate refused to go to a hospital three days before her Feb. 8 death. Instead, she spent her illness in a hotel suite that was filled with pill bottles, soda cans, SlimFast, nicotine gum, and an open box of Tamiflu tablets. (What, no TrimSpa?!) In the days before her death she had been taking large amounts of chloral hydrate, a sedative that also contributed to the 1962 drug-overdose death of Marilyn Monroe, Smith's idol.

March Mascot Madness

While writing about the NYU Violets, I got to thinking about some of the stranger mascots and team nicknames. The Violets are an OK nickname for a women's team, but a men's team called the Violets is less than intimidating. Perhaps sensing this, NYU sought to find a mascot about 25 years ago.

At about the same time the school's Bobst Library was developing an online cataloging system. The catalog became known around campus as BobCat, and since this was a name that related directly to the school (and to its brainy reputation), the Bobcat was chosen as NYU's mascot. And a Bobcat mascot prowls the sidelines during NYU basketball games (along with a student assistant wearing a t-shirt reading "Bobcat Security").

Of course, Violet isn't the most unusual nickname out there. NYU sometimes plays St. Peter's College, a nearby Division III school from Jersey City, NJ. Their nickname? The Peacocks. Yes, that's for the men's team (the women's team is called the Peahens). Not very intimidating...

March Madness in Greenwich Village: NYU Women's Basketball Team Reaches Final Four

The New York University women's basketball teamsaved the best for last this season. It ran off an impressive string of wins in the latter part of the season and has now made it into the Division III Final Four this weekend in Springfield, Massachusetts.

The Violets, ranked #3 in the coaches' poll and #6 in the D3Hoops poll, won their Sectional Final with a 76-64 win over New Jersey's Kean University Saturday night at Greenwich Village's Coles Sports Center. The game was tied at 38 at the half and was close until the final five minutes. NYU trailed by 55-51 with about 13 minutes left in the game.

Sophomore standout Jessica McEntee scored 23 of her 28 points in the second half, putting in 10 straight points during one stretch. The University Athletic Association (UAA) Player of the Year also pulled down 16 rebounds in propelling NYU to the win.

NYU reached the Elite 8 the night before by defeating Simpson College 76-58. The Violets took charge early in that game and won behind a career-high 23 points by senior Karen Bachman, who also had six rebounds, five assists, three blocks, and three steals.

It was an exciting example of fast-paced basketball, and a perfect example of why I love Division III basketball. I was able to walk into the Coles Center less than 30 minutes before each game, plunk down $7, and watch a great game from the second row (on Friday night, I got to see a doubleheader for the same price).

It has been an eventful few years for the NYU team and especially its 20-year coach, Janice Quinn. In the course of the last four years Quinn lost her father and has to face both heart surgery and a cancer diagnosis.

Quinn has not only been a key factor in the Violets' status as perennial Sweet 16 participants; she has a long history with NYU. She played basketball at the school for four years as a student, and was the first Violets women's player to score 1,000 points. She then served as an assistant coach before ascending to the head coaching position in 1987. Quinn also serves as NYU's associate director for athletics.

NYU reached the Final Four for the third time in its history, the last time exactly 10 years ago, when it won the whole thing. That was the first time I'd seen NYU basketball, and it happened quite by accident. I read in the newspaper that NYU was hosting the Division III Final Four and figured I might as well check out the action. Little did I know that NYU would be in the Final Four. The Coles Center had a full house for the championship game that year. NYU trailed in the first half but seemed to wear down Wisconsin-Eau Claire in the second half. NYU won the game 72-70 on a last-second shot by Marsha Harris.

NYU will take on Washington University on Friday night at 6p.m. Whatever the outcome of the game, it's been a standout season for the college basketball team that plays its games in Greenwich Village.