Looking for a Bizarre, Dystopian Theme Park? Meet Banky's Dismaland!

The secretive British artist Banksy has expanded beyond his usual images in public spaces to a full-fledged, 3D "bemusement park": Dismaland. As its name suggests, this installation is no ordinary happy place to take the kids for a lighthearted day out.

A look at the official tour video for Dismaland (below)—which is midway through its five-week run at Weston-super-Mare on the English seaside—shows how the celebrated artist with the often dark look on life addresses many of the dour and dire aspects of the modern world. Fun stuff like a lack of jobs, pollution, global injustice, and more.



The project features art works from more than 50 artists from around the world, such as a pool with remote-control boats loaded with refugees, a dead princess being photographed by paparazzi, and a game called "Hook a Duck from the Muck."

Looking for a souvenir? You can buy a large, black balloon that says, "I am an imbecile." There's even a cheerfully decorated payday-lending booth where kids can borrow against their pocket money (at an exorbitant 5000% interest rate, naturally).

Dismaland looks a bit like Disneyland as reinterpreted by Tim Burton with the viewpoint of one of those people who stands on a street corner holding a sign that reads "The End is Near."

The Dismaland video below from Britain's Channel 4 offers a bit more insight into the "attractions" of Banksy's theme park of modern-day horrors. It's a place where the dreams—or maybe nightmares?--never end.

Obama Nominates Locke for Commerce Post (Here's Why It Should Have Been *John* Locke)

The news reports are buzzing across the wires today: "Obama nominates Locke for commerce secretary." Now, the assumption is being made that he's talking about Gary Locke, the former governor of Washington State, but if Obama really wants to think outside the box, I have a modest proposal to make: Obama should choose the other Locke: JOHN Locke from "Lost."

Sure, John Locke has never held elective office, but you can't say he doesn't have political experience. (And don't tell him what he can't do, or else you might get a knife in the back!) Let's look at his substantial achievements over the last four-plus seasons. In this time he has:

* gone face-to-face with the Smoke Monster... and lived to tell about it!
* fixed the time-warping Frozen Donkey Wheel!
* effectively interfaced with people (and other entities) of all backgrounds, from department store customers to Losties, Tailies, the Others, and the Other Others
* earned the trust of his higher-ups including Ben, Jacob, Richard Alpert, and Christian Shephard
* has pulled himself up by his bootstraps (literally), going from a physically challenged wheelchair-bound sad sack to a hard-charging leader of the Others
* served effectively as a clerk in a major cardboard-box manufacturer
* shown loyalty and sacrifice by giving one of his kidneys to his lying, scheming, fat-cat, bird-hunting, threw-his-son-out-a-window father

And, of course, John Locke is, like Pres. Obama, a self-professed "man of faith."

If the president is looking for unique qualifications and wants to really "reach across the aisle (isle)," he'll choose John Locke as commerce secretary.

Stock Market Sags - We're Gonna Party Like It's 1997!

As of Monday, Feb. 23, the U.S. stock market has sunk to lows not seen since 1997. So in honor of this 12-year low and the vaporization of bazillions of dollars of wealth, let's look back at some events that occurred in 1997:

* Bill Clinton inaugurated for second term as U.S. President. Cigars and sex scandal to follow.

* Green Bay Packers win Super Bowl 31, their first since 1967. And Brett Favre had another decade-plus to play.

* O.J. Simpson found liable for the deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman in a civil court. (Years later The Juice would get his butt thrown in jail again for armed robbery... doesn't this guy ever learn?)

* the investment banks Morgan Stanley and Dean Witter Reynolds merge. How quaint... back when banking companies were growing instead of imploding!

* The English Patient wins Best Picture at the Academy Awards. People still watched the Oscars back then.

* the U.K. Labour Party wins election, ending 18 years of rule by the Tories. Tony Blair becomes Prime Minister and enjoys popular support. It was not to last.

* IBM's computer Deep Blue defeats Garry Kasparov in a chess match. Deep Blue gets drunk at a party and makes a pass as Karparov's girlfriend, so Karparov shoots and kills the machine.

* Steve Jobs returns to Apple Computer. More than a decade later he's lost hair and weight, but is still wearing the same damn black turtleneck and blue jeans.

* Princess Diana is killed in a car crash in France. Camilla Parker-Bowles marries Prince Charles years later. Britain harnesses the Prince's ears as a source of wind power.

It's The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator!

Get your own name for yourself or your baby with The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator!

The whole country has gone ga-ga over everyone's favorite gun-toting, moose-shooting, specs-wearing, earmarks-hating governor from the land of Northern Exposure. And she and her husband Todd have a real knack for giving their kids unique names... kind of new-age style with a All-American, frozen tundra twist! (Their kids' names are Trig, Track, Bristol, Willow, and Piper.)

Now if you're reading this, it's unfortunately too late for you to be born, and to have Sarah Palin give you a name. But the good news is that you can now get a name for yourself or your baby, as if you'd popped out of the loins of Sarah Barracuda herself, with The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator.

With this name generator, you can be "born again" as a Palin child!

Bigfoot Press Conference: Creature Announces Book, Movie Deal

Tired of the endless rumors and speculation, the so-called Georgia Bigfoot creature is holding a press conference Friday to address questions about his life, his future, and his very existence.

Sources indicate that Bigfoot, who is known to his friends as "Bucky" or sometimes "The Buckster," was troubled that photos said to be of him were circulating all over the Internet, many of them fake... and that he was getting none of the money.

It has been confirmed that Bucky has signed an exclusive deal with the William Morris Agency to act as his agent and handle his various business dealings. This includes a deal with Getty Images to handle the licensing rights for all authentic images of Bigfoot.

William Morris handles many top film, music, and other celebrities, and Bigfoot's agreement is said to include a two-book deal and options for at least two films, one an autobiography and the other a Bollwood-style musical based on the life of a fictional Appalachian bigfoot-type creature who seeks to make it big in the movie business.

John McCain Names the Montauk Monster His Running Mate

Wolf Blitzer breaks the news: McCain picks Montauk Monster for VP!

Seeking to prove that Republicans can offer "change" just as well as the Democrats, John McCain has reached deep into the diversity well and chosen the Montauk Monster as his running mate.

The Montauk Monster, which became an instant celebrity last week after pictures of it lying on a Long Island beach were published in Gawker and other places, has made headlines not just in local news sources like Newsday and the Hamptons' Plum TV, but also Scientific American and CNN.

Approached while running to catch a plane, McCain would neither confirm nor deny the choice of the Montauk Monster as veep, saying only, "The Montauk Monster has touched a lot of Americans in the last week or so, and I know he believes in the values that my campaign is stressing. Like me, Monty shares a love of American freedom and a firm belief that lower taxes, less government regulation, and offshore oil drilling will keep America strong and prosperous."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was less enthusiastic about the potential VP choice. "An old, decrepit, rotting corpse is not the change America is looking for. And having the Montauk Monster on the ticket doesn't help, either."

Of course, the seemingly dead creature known affectionately as "Monty" must clear some piddling legal hurdles before being able to accept the number-two spot on the Republican ticket: Is he 35 years old? Is he human (I'm not sure if the Constitution specifically demands a "human")? Then there are of course the traditional political skeletons-in-the-closet questions to be tackled: Has the Montauk Monster had any tawdry affairs, hired an illegal nanny, played footsie in an airport bathroom with a Federal agent, etc.

Clinton Meets Obama at Her Home; is Said to Demand "The Obama Pound"

[SATIRE] Barack Obama is meeting with Hillary Clinton tonight at her apartment in Washington, D.C. Speculation had focused on Clinton wanting the spot, but recent rumors have said that Clinton wants something else... something more personal... the Obama fist bump, referred to as The Obama Pound.

The whole world saw Obama and his wife Michelle exchanging fist "pounds" on the podium on Tuesday night. Apparently Ms. Clinton saw that and his looking to secure her own piece of street cred and hip-hop cool with the newly minted presumptive Democratic nominee.

Sources close to Mrs. Clinton say that her support of Obama will hinge on whether she can secure the much-coveted Obama Pound. Mrs. Clinton was overhead by observers this afternoon saying, "I'm not coming around, until I get The Pound!"

Told by her staff that her request for the Obama Pound was unusual, unconventional or, well, just plain bizarre, Mrs. Clinton retorted: "I want that friggin' pound! I will get that Obama Pound and I won't go back to Chappaqua without it!"

Mrs. Clinton's staff had no comment on the matter. There were rumors among Michelle Obama's camp that she would not allow her husband to give Mrs. Clinton a fist pound unless Clinton beat Mrs. Obama in a Jell-O wrestling match.

Asked to comment on this rumor, Michelle Obama would say only, "There's always room for Jell-O."

North Korean Leader Refuses to Smile at Summit

South Korean leader (L) looks happy; North Korean leader (R) looks constipated.

Heading one of the world's last communist dictatorships and running its economy into the ground is serious business. Just ask North Korean maximum leader Kim Jong-Il. He met with his counterpart, the South Korean leader, for historic meetings today and didn't crack a smile even once, judging from the photos and video that have emerged from the sessions. Mr. Kim and his team didn't seem too pleased of enthused; you'd think since North and South Korean leaders have only met once before in, oh, about 50 years, the dude could muster up a little enthusiasm.

Maybe the dictator was constipated? They seem to have shortages of all kinds of products and foods in North Korea, maybe even the dictator himself can't get a hold of any chocolate Ex-Lax.

And the South Korean president even came to the gray, barren North Korean capital for the occasion! Is that any way to play host? Well, if Kim Jong-Il didn't smile I hope he as least gave his southern counterpart Roh Moo-hyun a decent meal or two. Mr. Roh was certainly smiling and in good spirits during the summit... he was probably thinking, "Thank GOD I don't live in this part of the Korean peninsula!"

The multinational team trying to get North Korea to give up its nukes might try to scare up a few boxes of Ex-Lax before their next visit to Pyongyang. Bringing a decent hair stylist couldn't hurt either; Kim Jong-Il really needs to ditch that drowned-rooster hairstyle he's been sporting for the last few decades.

Karl Rove, "Bush's Brain," Leaving White House; Next Stop "The View"?

The man often described as "George Bush's brain" announced he is leaving the White House at the end of August... so what's his next gig?

My guess is that he'd really like to be a guest co-host on the estrogen-charged morning TV gabfest The View. The show has had male guest-hosts already, such as Ross the Intern, so why not Karl?

He's probably just dying to talk about the best soil for growing tulips, the decorating scheme for his den, how kids can play hardball to win grade-school class elections, his daily facial exfoliating regimen, and how a great homemade potpourri can cover up even the stinkiest Washington, D.C. cigar and flatulence odors.

With his wide-ranging policy expertise, maybe he can give the ladies of The View his ideas on weightier topics too, such as whether the new female sexual dysfunction drug Intrinsa should be approved for sale in the U.S.

And wouldn't we all love to see Karl's own personal entry in the "Funniest Bathroom Moment Contest"?

Guy Who Got Bonds' Home Run Ball Admits to Steroids

How did a guy in a Mets jersey manage to snag the Barry Bonds home run ball out of a mess of a rugby scrum in the bleachers at Cingular-is-Now-the-New-AT&T Park?

Steroids, of course! Yes, Matt Murphy told the Rupert Murdoch publication Steroids World that he was an enthusiastic proponent of performance-enhancing drugs, and that he used them to train for diving for home runs, foul balls, bouncing pucks, and other sports souvenirs.

"EPO is the base, the foundation for everything," the 22-year-old man from NY said. "To chase balls down quickly in empty bleacher areas, you need strong legs but also explosive quickness. So I used The Clear to give that mad-fast boost to the fast-twitch muscles in my quadriceps and hamstrings.

"And when one guy was moving in to try to get the Bonds home run ball from me, my leg had that explosive quickness to level a knee right into his crotch. He backed off real fast," Murphy noted.

"To grasp that ball or puck, you need strong but soft hands," he continued. "I used The Cream on my hands and fingers and did some basic weight lifting on each finger.

"Not only was I able to grab and hold the ball, but when some jackass got his ugly mug up in my grill, I was able to plunge one of my pumped-up thumbs right into his throat. He didn't seem so interested in the ball after that, in fact he started coughing and puking right as he was falling backward. It was awesome!

"They say steroids make you extremely aggressive, but that's just bull. Some folks said that I was belligerent, just because I was trying to bite and kick the security guards who came to take me out of the crowd. But hey, how could I know if they were real security guards or a bunch of jerks in blue uniforms trying to steal the ball away from me?

"And after they Tasered me the third time, I was cool about going with them anyway."

And there you have it. Will Bud Selig try to investigate Murphy? Maybe the commissioner should worry about his own "image," and go for some Botox treatments to soften up that sour puss of a face.