Bin Laden's Cozy Home and Heavy-Metal Speechwriter

Osama bin Laden continues to be a question wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a big ball of fuzzy black hair (but no more gray! thanks to Grecian Formula)...

The New York Daily News reports that OBL lives not in some squalid cave, but in a cushy compound in a remote region of Pakistan... one apparently equipped with cable TV and broadband Internet, judging by his knowledge of current happenings in the U.S.

Speaking of which, maybe OBL doesn't really know squat about taxes and mortgage problems in America; just like modern politicians, he has a speechwriter doing research and writing his stuff. Some intelligence experts have remarked that The Bearded One's remarks about American society and capitalism have the fingerprints of an American al Quaeda member all over them.

The U.K. Telegraph quotes an ex-intel official as saying that large sections of the speech were probably written by Adam Gadahn, the head of al-Qaeda's English language media operations, who used to be a California heavy metal fan before converted to Islam. (He's made his own anti-U.S. videos, but clearly Osama wants the screen time this go-'round.)

The Telegraph notes that the U.S.-bashing comments in OBL's speech had him "sounding like an anti-globalisation protester.... The al-Qaeda leader's first video message for three years featured a bizarre rant against America, with references to global warming, "insane taxes", the US mortgage market meltdown and rising interest rates."

Rants about Insane taxes, global warming, mortgage crunches, and big corporations? Trimming and dyeing his beard to look younger? Sounds like OBL is trying to appeal to a younger demographic, just like many TV advertisers... maybe bin Laden has hired a team of lobbyists and media consultants in hopes of buffing his image and reaching a broader audience.

What's next... bin Laden insights on American Idol candidates and commentary on whether Vaness Hudgens should be removed from High School Musical 3?

Bin Laden Gets Dye Job for New Video

Only his hairdresser knows for sure: the clothes could use a makeover, too.

Has Osama bin Laden gone Hollywood? The media-savvy terrorist has now appeared on video for the first time in several years, sparking new questions about his purpose in appearing on camera after a long absence. Personally, I have to wonder if the guy has been watching too much TV these days (assuming he gets cable in whatever cave he's living in).

In his new video bin Laden makes the usual rants about the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and the U.S. administration, as well as the evils of capitalism. This last bit has me puzzled, since OBL is sporting a new, younger look: his unkempt, graying beard and hair are gone, replaced by an evenly colored, trimmed, jet-black look.

Has he seen those TV commercials for Grecian Formula or Just For Men and wondered if a younger look might be better for getting his message across? Maybe he figures that just because he lives in caves surrounded by the smell of old camel pee doesn't mean he has to look like it. So he thought it was time for a litte "extreme makeover" of his own.

Maybe he got jealous hearing about the $400 haircut of presidential candidate John Edwards, and decided that an infamous worldwide terror leader should have a more dashing look. Even scruffy muckraking filmmaker Michael Moore has ditched his longtime overgrown beard and unruly hair for a more styled look (all the better for looking good at benefits and Sundance parties).

And with that new TV show "Cavemen" coming out in a few weeks, possible OBL was afraid he'd be confused with those hirsute (but very capitalistic) Cro-Magnon stars.

Perhaps OBL got inspired for his dye job by that Just For Men commercial in which retired jocks Walt Frazier and Keith Hernandez extoll the virtues of the product while an actor with gray hair gets shunned by his date, but then gets invited into her apartment another time after using Just For Men. Bin Laden already has had a number of wives, but maybe he's looking to be the big chick magnet of Outer Wazhiristan. Score!