Coroner Confirms: Anna Nicole Smith is Still Dead

Although she was pumped up with enough drugs to keep the dinosaurs alive for another few thousand years, medical authorities have reported that Anna Nicole Smith is indeed still dead.

In an excruciatingly detailed autopsy issued Monday, medical authorities confirmed that the Playboy playmate/ actress/porn star has not risen from the dead, and is unlikely to do so at any time in the future, not even with Easter coming up soon.

"The good news is that Smith has enough drugs in her that her estate will not have to pay the expense of providing any embalming fluids. She will still be embalmed when that nuclear waste out in Nevada has stopped leaking radiation," remarked medical examiner Phineas T. Urinebags. "The bad news is that she is, in fact, still dead. Despite all the drugs in her system, no brain activity has been seen since she passed away."

Some medical authorities and other observers have commented that Smith showed little brain-wave activity when she was still alive.

Smith accidentally overdosed on at least nine prescription drugs, including a powerful sleep syrup that she sometimes swigged out of the bottle, after a spell during her last few days in which she endured stomach flu, a 105-degree fever, heavy sweating, and an infection on her buttocks from repeated injections.

Thankfully, the autopsy was a little light on the details of Smith's buttocks-injection activities. Though I'd guess there's a video of some of it somewhere on YouTube.

The autopsy noted that the former Playboy playmate refused to go to a hospital three days before her Feb. 8 death. Instead, she spent her illness in a hotel suite that was filled with pill bottles, soda cans, SlimFast, nicotine gum, and an open box of Tamiflu tablets. (What, no TrimSpa?!) In the days before her death she had been taking large amounts of chloral hydrate, a sedative that also contributed to the 1962 drug-overdose death of Marilyn Monroe, Smith's idol.