Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Obama Nominates Locke for Commerce Post (Here's Why It Should Have Been *John* Locke)

The news reports are buzzing across the wires today: "Obama nominates Locke for commerce secretary." Now, the assumption is being made that he's talking about Gary Locke, the former governor of Washington State, but if Obama really wants to think outside the box, I have a modest proposal to make: Obama should choose the other Locke: JOHN Locke from "Lost."

Sure, John Locke has never held elective office, but you can't say he doesn't have political experience. (And don't tell him what he can't do, or else you might get a knife in the back!) Let's look at his substantial achievements over the last four-plus seasons. In this time he has:

* gone face-to-face with the Smoke Monster... and lived to tell about it!
* fixed the time-warping Frozen Donkey Wheel!
* effectively interfaced with people (and other entities) of all backgrounds, from department store customers to Losties, Tailies, the Others, and the Other Others
* earned the trust of his higher-ups including Ben, Jacob, Richard Alpert, and Christian Shephard
* has pulled himself up by his bootstraps (literally), going from a physically challenged wheelchair-bound sad sack to a hard-charging leader of the Others
* served effectively as a clerk in a major cardboard-box manufacturer
* shown loyalty and sacrifice by giving one of his kidneys to his lying, scheming, fat-cat, bird-hunting, threw-his-son-out-a-window father

And, of course, John Locke is, like Pres. Obama, a self-professed "man of faith."

If the president is looking for unique qualifications and wants to really "reach across the aisle (isle)," he'll choose John Locke as commerce secretary.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Stock Market Sags - We're Gonna Party Like It's 1997!

As of Monday, Feb. 23, the U.S. stock market has sunk to lows not seen since 1997. So in honor of this 12-year low and the vaporization of bazillions of dollars of wealth, let's look back at some events that occurred in 1997:

* Bill Clinton inaugurated for second term as U.S. President. Cigars and sex scandal to follow.

* Green Bay Packers win Super Bowl 31, their first since 1967. And Brett Favre had another decade-plus to play.

* O.J. Simpson found liable for the deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman in a civil court. (Years later The Juice would get his butt thrown in jail again for armed robbery... doesn't this guy ever learn?)

* the investment banks Morgan Stanley and Dean Witter Reynolds merge. How quaint... back when banking companies were growing instead of imploding!

* The English Patient wins Best Picture at the Academy Awards. People still watched the Oscars back then.

* the U.K. Labour Party wins election, ending 18 years of rule by the Tories. Tony Blair becomes Prime Minister and enjoys popular support. It was not to last.

* IBM's computer Deep Blue defeats Garry Kasparov in a chess match. Deep Blue gets drunk at a party and makes a pass as Karparov's girlfriend, so Karparov shoots and kills the machine.

* Steve Jobs returns to Apple Computer. More than a decade later he's lost hair and weight, but is still wearing the same damn black turtleneck and blue jeans.

* Princess Diana is killed in a car crash in France. Camilla Parker-Bowles marries Prince Charles years later. Britain harnesses the Prince's ears as a source of wind power.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

R.I.P. Socks the Cat, Former First Feline

Socks the Cat takes a question from the press

Socks the Cat, the First Feline during the Clinton administration, has died. The former First Cat was put to sleep on Friday. Socks was 20 years old and was reported to be suffering from throat cancer.

Socks was rescued as a stray by Chelsea Clinton, Bill and Hillary's daughter, and lived with them in the Arkansas governor's mansion and then ascended to be the nation's First Cat when Bill Clinton was elected president.

Although Socks maintained the demeanor of a regular house cat, government insiders said that Socks had a keen knowledge of history and foreign policy, and was in fact the main architect of the Dayton peace accords that ended the war in the former Yugoslavia. Socks received many cards and letters from around the world, but for national security reasons was allowed to answer only with card containing a simple note and a paw print.

Socks wrote several books under various pseudonyms, including "Feral Cats in the Late Ottoman Empire" and "Mouse Catching Evolution and Practice in the Colonial American Agrarian Economy."

After the Clintons left the White House, Socks was cared for by Betty Currie, Bill Clinton's longtime secretary, and was said to be an advisor to Hillary Clinton in her run for the White House last year.

The final wishes of Socks the Cat are unknown at this time.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Woman Goes Crazy After Missing Her Flight - VIDEO

Here is the famous "woman goes crazy after missing her flight" video. A woman at the Hong Kong airport misses her flight and goes absolutely bonkers, wailing and screaming, pounding on the counter and the ticket machine, and even throwing a tantrum on her back on the floor. OK, many of us have probably felt like reacting as she did... but unlike this lady, we had the good sense and self-control not to act it out.

This isn't just a quick "Damn! I missed the plane!"; this woman's tirade goes on for a full three minutes. Maybe airport staff should have tried to calm her down by promising her an extra packet of honey-roasted nuts on the next flight.

Shaq Dancing with Jabbawockeez at NBA All-Star Game

37-year-old Shaquille O'Neal made the most of his 15th All-Star Game: He dunked. He clowned around. He won a share of the MVP award (with former teammate Kobe Bryant). But his most unusual "performance" came during the player introductions, when he donned a white mask and danced with the dance troupe Jabbawockeez. The man sure is versatile. See the video below.

When he and Bryant received the co-MVP awards, Shaq was asked why he did the Jabbawockeez performance before the game. Shaq explained that he just wanted to do something different, and said that his kids were big fans of Jabbawockeez.

The All-Star Game also featured a video of NBA stars performing love song excerpts as a Valentine's Day spoof, and Shaq supposedly got the biggest cheers for his rendition of “Caribbean Queen,” the Billy Ocean hit from the 1980s.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Nadya Suleman Website has Photos of the Octuplets... and a Button to Donate

It should come as no surprise that the mother of the octuplets has a home page. The Nadya Suleman website has photos of all eight of the little tykes born less than a month ago, as well as a Donate button. Nadya Suleman, who now has a brood of 14 children, is accepting donations via MasterCard, Visa, and other credit cards, as well as PayPal.

Visitors can also leave comments on the Nadya Suleman website (I'd hate to think what some of those say), but other than that there's no additional information. It mostly seems like a fundraising vehicle. Maybe some more photos of the babies will be put up.

I can see why Suleman needs the cash: according to a blog posting on the Los Angeles Times, the mother of 14 is on food stamps, three of her older children are receiving disability payments, and she has $50,000 of student loans outstanding.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) Admits to Using Steroids

No, that's not a humorous fake headline: New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) has admitted to taking steroids from 2001 to 2003. Rodriguez made the admission in an interview with ESPN, and the interview is set to be shown on SportsCenter tonight at 6 p.m.

Alex Rodriguez was one of 104 major league baseball players identified as using performance-enhancing drugs in 2003. MLB didn't have a ban on steroids and other similar drugs at the time, and the testing was done in part to determine how widespread the use of such drugs was and whether a ban and mandatory testing should be undertaken. (Read more on the A-Rod admission here).

Baseball implemented a ban on steroids in 2004.

Well, this will certainly replace Katy Perry's fruit-themed performance of her lesbionic hit song, "I Kissed a Girl," at the Grammys last night as the number-one topic of conversation around the water cooler!

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Review of "Christina's House" Starring Allison Lange... Don't Let It In!

The good folks at Arrow in the Head Reviews (part of have watched the movie "Christina's House" so you don't have to. If their take on the film is correct, they are doing you a big favor, for they are none too impressed with this clunker or with its star, Allison Lange. The first part of their review reads:

"Seventeen year old (looks more like 30) Christina (Lange) lives with her nutso dad (Savage) and doofus younger brother (Stewart) in a new house. But an intruder is also hiding in the house. He likes to plant cookies, notes and commit the occasional murder. Who is this person and why doesn’t he/she get a freaking life?"

Arrow in the Head is somewhat more impressed with one aspect of Allison Lange's performance, however:

"Allison Lange (Christina) lets her t!ts take center stage in tight shirts and they do most of the acting."

The review also says Lange "scares us with her close ups (ouch!)." Ouch indeed.

Arrow in the Head's review is a hoot to read and, it sounds, much more fun that actually seeing Allison Lange and the rest of "Christina's House."

Monday, February 02, 2009

Alec Baldwin Super Bowl Ad for Hulu - Turn Your Brain Into Cottage Cheese!

Alec Baldwin's ad for the free online TV-viewing Web site was one of the best of the Super Bowl commercials, in my opinion. In the ad Baldwin says Hulu completes the process of softening your brain that regular TV started, "giving you more of the cerebral gelatinizing shows you want."

It's a goofy ad, much like Baldwin's performance on "30 Rock," and a nice bit of reverse psychology. Unless, of course, you really do want your brain to turn to the consistency of cottage cheese.

(If the video doesn't load, you can view it at the Web site.)