Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Two Girls, One Cup The Sequel: Big Al's Next Venture?

If you haven't heard of the infamous "Two Girls, One Cup" video that's all over the Internet, you must have been living under a rock. Or maybe you've got poop covering your eyes and ears... though, I hope, not your mouth.

Speaking of which, that's what the "Two Girls, One Cup" video involves: Two attractive girls and a clear plastic cup. One girl supposedly defecates into the cup, the the two of them eat it.

As with all popular videos, a question comes up: What do you do for an encore, and who's going to produce it? Here's my idea: Al Gore, former vice president, should direct, produce, and star in a video production called "Two Girls, One Cup, and Al: The Sequel."

I can imagine Al Gore being excited about this idea. He's been VP, won an Academy Award, and won a Nobel Peace Prize, what can he possibly do for an encore that will be interesting and challenging? Creating a sequel to the "Two Girls, One Cup" video would be a strike of boldness, an undertaking even more momentous that him doing the macarena on stage at the Democratic National Convention.

I bet he'd appreciate the synergy between a "Two Girls, One Cup" sequel and his environmental dedication. "I'm deeply committed to the Earth and it natural wonders," I can picture him saying. "And nothing is more natural and down-to-earth than a fresh, steaming, stinking load of human excrement. In the biblical spirit of 'ashes to ashes, dust to dust,' it's a reminder of our mortality and the continuity of nature to see what we have eaten coming out of our bottoms, and going back into our mouths, and then coming out of our bottoms again. It's kind of like putting a mirror in front of a TV camera, and seeing those endless reflections..."

And Big Al wouldn't have to wear a suit, make a speech, or even create any PowerPoint presentations! (Unless he really wanted to, of course.)

Now I'm not sure if Al should do the pooping, or one of the girls should. I haven't seen the original "Two Girls, One Cup" video so I don't know if the girls are scantily clad. But having Al Gore scantily clad would not be a good thing, I would think.

So how about it, Al... umm, I mean Mr. Vice President? I've run the idea up the flagpole, let's see who salutes it! If you decide to take my idea and run with it, I promise I'll charge only a modest fee for the rights to the sequel to the "Two Girls, One Cup" video.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Pennsylvania Bigfoot Photos Mystery Solved!

So is that really a bigfoot or sasquatchthat's lurking in the fields of Pennsylvania, and recently captured on camera? Or is it a hoax?

The truth can now be told: It's Al Gore! Yes, the former VP has been looking for a new gig. After being a vice president, a presidential candidate, an Oscar-winning movie maker, and a Nobel Peace Prize winner--and inventing the Inernet, of course--Big Al was looking for a new challenge. Something stimulating, to be sure, but a challenge that didn't involve policy, or speechmaking, or PowerPoint presentations.

So what better way to stay occupied and re-connect the the natural world he loves so dearly, than to put on a hairy costume and wander the woods in Pennsylvania as a sasquatch?

That's my thinking, anyway. Stay tuned for my further thoughts on what Al Gore's next adventure might be.

Friday, October 26, 2007

How Many Indian Guitarists Does it Take to Play "Knockin' On Heaven's Door"?

That headline may sound like one of those ubiquitous "lightbulb" jokes ("How many __ does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"), but there's a real story behind it.

More than a thousand guitarists gathered in a remote town in India Friday to try to set a Guinness world record for the largest guitar ensemble.

Supposedly upwards of 1,700 guitarists played Dylan's "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" in Shilong; they were seeking to top the current Guinness record. That occurred last year, when 1,721 guitarists met in Kansas City to perform Deep Purple's 1970s rock anthem, "Smoke on the Water." The Indians seemed to have more than 1,721 guitarists strumming. (Wonder if Slash of Guns 'n' Roses was there?)

A story about the Indian event says there were no Guinness judges at today's proceedings, but the organizers of the Dylan fest claim their feat will be recognized because they have witnesses as required by the Guinness Book of World Records.

Rock on, dudes...

Monday, October 22, 2007 Presents the 30 Most Unsettling German Halloween Costumes

When I saw the title of this article on, it sounded like something that would be featured on the old Saturday Night Live skit, "Sprockets" (with Mike Myers prancing around in all black as the odd host, Dieter. Sure, you remember... "Would you like to touch my monkey?").

But instead of being Germany's most disturbing home videos, this is "The 30 Most Unsettling German Halloween Costumes."

And unsettling they are, coming from the folks who are known for lederhosen, Dada, eroticism, and Sturm und Drung, but not necessarily humor.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

The 20 Worst Rhymes In Pop Music History, from

Just last week Blender magazine put out its list of the worst lyricists in rock.

On a similar theme, has assembled what they consider the 20 worst rhymes in pop music history. We've all heard rhymes in music that make us cringe, the Cracked folks have reminded us of some of the most dreadful in one handy article.

Some of these rhymes I hadn't heard before, and they are truly atrocious. Others are old "favorites" (for lack of a better word).

There's a comments section too, so feel free to jump into the pool.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Colbert Runs for President; Larry Craig for VP?

Al Gore won't run, but mock talk-show host Stephen Colbert will. He's announced that he's going to run in his home state of South Carolina (I never would have pegged him as being from S.C., but that's besides the point).

Since Colbert will undoubtedly get plenty of press, I'd like to focus on a less talked-about issue: Who will Colbert choose as a running mate? Here's my suggestion: Since Colbert is a polished, urbane fellow, he should choose a more rural, down-to-earth guy for his veep.

My choice: None other than Larry "Wide Stance" Craig, the retiring-under-scandal U.S. Senator from Idaho. Despite his "I am not gay" protestations, I think everyone can read behind the lines and see the discomfort of Craig, a conservative from a conservative rural state, trying so hard to hold that closet door closed lest his inner Gay American burst out (or be dragged out).

It's been one of the funniest and most preposterous episodes in recent political memory, listening to Craig fumble and bumble in to the cameras while trying to explain that his playing footsy with a law enforcement officer in an airport men's room was not an attempt at a gay hookup.

Moving hit foot to the side to touch that of the undercover agent in the next stall? "I have a wide stance," Craig explained. I can't even remember how (or if) he tried to explain away rubbing his hand along the side wall of the stall, or putting his duffel bag in front of the stall door to obscure the view.

Listening to Craig's laughable explanations, I kept thinking of the bathroom scene in the first "Austin Powers" movie, in which Austin is in a stall next to the character played by Tom Arnold. While Austin grunts and groans as he fights with a henchman of Dr. Evil, demanding "Who does Number Two work for?," Arnold assumes his stallmate is struggling to unleash The Mother of All Dumps, telling Powers "You tell that turd who's boss!" and asking, "How about a courtesy flush?"

Since Larry Craig probably won't do it himself, I'm urging him to throw his hat into the ring... while keeping one foot in the stall and the other in the closet, of course.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

German Soccer Fans Can Be Buried in Cemetery Right Next to Stadium!

For some soccer fans, being a fan for life isn't enough. Now one German soccer team, Hamburg SV, is giving its fans a chance to be close to the club for all eternity.

The team is building a cemetery next to its stadium that will be able to hold 500 graves, which will be about 50 feet from the main entrance of the stadium. The cemetery is expected to be completed in September. It will also include a memorial to the club's old stadium, as well as monument honoring Hamburg SV stars from the past.

"For a large number of people, it's important to be close to the club after their lives are over," the club's deputy chairman told Reuters. "The cemetery will have the look of a small, open stadium."

Competition for the burial spaces is expected to be very lively among the club's 42,000-strong fan club. Would you expect anything less from devoted fans?

Friday, October 05, 2007

Spray-On Condoms: TV Show Sparks Growing Interest

Every product would like to get the, umm, exposure that that spray-on condom received a couple of weeks ago.

CSI: New York featured a German-developed spray-on condom in the plot line of its season-opening episode, which revolved around a murder and an act of vandalism inside the Statue of Liberty.

Late last year a company called Vinico World of Condoms announced the spray-on condom, to be applied right before sex, as a solution to the opening, fumbling, and bumbling in bed that occurs with traditional condoms. Vinico's Web site offers some details in English.

According to an article published last December, tests were them being conducted by the "Institute for Condom Consultancy" (wonder if this is a government agency or part of the company?), with the product expected to hit the market in 2008. One can was supposed to give 20 applications, and cost around $27.

Maybe the product is ready now? Or maybe the CSI: New York creators thought the spray-on condom would be a fun item to mix into their toolkit of forensic techniques and evidence.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

North Korean Leader Refuses to Smile at Summit

South Korean leader (L) looks happy; North Korean leader (R) looks constipated.

Heading one of the world's last communist dictatorships and running its economy into the ground is serious business. Just ask North Korean maximum leader Kim Jong-Il. He met with his counterpart, the South Korean leader, for historic meetings today and didn't crack a smile even once, judging from the photos and video that have emerged from the sessions. Mr. Kim and his team didn't seem too pleased of enthused; you'd think since North and South Korean leaders have only met once before in, oh, about 50 years, the dude could muster up a little enthusiasm.

Maybe the dictator was constipated? They seem to have shortages of all kinds of products and foods in North Korea, maybe even the dictator himself can't get a hold of any chocolate Ex-Lax.

And the South Korean president even came to the gray, barren North Korean capital for the occasion! Is that any way to play host? Well, if Kim Jong-Il didn't smile I hope he as least gave his southern counterpart Roh Moo-hyun a decent meal or two. Mr. Roh was certainly smiling and in good spirits during the summit... he was probably thinking, "Thank GOD I don't live in this part of the Korean peninsula!"

The multinational team trying to get North Korea to give up its nukes might try to scare up a few boxes of Ex-Lax before their next visit to Pyongyang. Bringing a decent hair stylist couldn't hurt either; Kim Jong-Il really needs to ditch that drowned-rooster hairstyle he's been sporting for the last few decades.