Monday, August 13, 2007

Video of Wild Party at Caveman Bachelor Pad

Party with everyone's favorite cavemen. This photo is from a viral video that's either from Geico or from ABC to promote its new "Cavemen" sitcom, or it's something whipped up by a person with a real love of the caveman idea (and with a lot of money and free time, as well).

You can find more images and videos of the party prep, the event itself, and the sad scene the next morning, at

These hairy dudes really know how to party; in the video you see them get down (literally) as they do the limbo. It looks like a fun party, until that guy lights the bar on fire...

Karl Rove, "Bush's Brain," Leaving White House; Next Stop "The View"?

The man often described as "George Bush's brain" announced he is leaving the White House at the end of August... so what's his next gig?

My guess is that he'd really like to be a guest co-host on the estrogen-charged morning TV gabfest The View. The show has had male guest-hosts already, such as Ross the Intern, so why not Karl?

He's probably just dying to talk about the best soil for growing tulips, the decorating scheme for his den, how kids can play hardball to win grade-school class elections, his daily facial exfoliating regimen, and how a great homemade potpourri can cover up even the stinkiest Washington, D.C. cigar and flatulence odors.

With his wide-ranging policy expertise, maybe he can give the ladies of The View his ideas on weightier topics too, such as whether the new female sexual dysfunction drug Intrinsa should be approved for sale in the U.S.

And wouldn't we all love to see Karl's own personal entry in the "Funniest Bathroom Moment Contest"?

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Fidel Castro Trying Out for "Cavemen"?

Top: Current cavemen. Bottom: New caveman?

Rumors are flying in Cuba and elsewhere that dictator Fidel Castro was on a secret mission in Hollywood to try out for a role on ABC's new Fall sitcom, "Cavemen." Castro was not seen at celebrations for Cubas's revolution day a couple of weeks ago, and observes have speculated about his whereabouts.

Cuban government officials and ABC-TV execs declined comment when asked about the matter, but sources said that the hirsute dictator was intrigued about the "Cavemen" series and thought he would be a natural for a supporting on-screen role.

"Fidel's got the hair and the beard, he really wouldn't need much time in the makeup trailer," one Hollywood source said. "And Fidel's friends have said that he was fascinated by the whole plotline of the series, the cavemen feeling discriminated against and having trouble fitting in."

Naturally, getting paid network wages would bring much-needed cash to the dictator, whose country has been under trade sanctions by the U.S. for decades. And a friend of Fidel's said that after more than half a century of wearing green military fatigues, Castro was practically drooling at the idea of running loose in a Hollywood wardrobe trailer.

Fidel's brother Raul was filling in for his brother at the revolution celebrations. Fidel hasn't been seen in public for a year.

Is Fidel going Hollywood? Look at the photos above and judge for yourself.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Guy Who Got Bonds' Home Run Ball Admits to Steroids

How did a guy in a Mets jersey manage to snag the Barry Bonds home run ball out of a mess of a rugby scrum in the bleachers at Cingular-is-Now-the-New-AT&T Park?

Steroids, of course! Yes, Matt Murphy told the Rupert Murdoch publication Steroids World that he was an enthusiastic proponent of performance-enhancing drugs, and that he used them to train for diving for home runs, foul balls, bouncing pucks, and other sports souvenirs.

"EPO is the base, the foundation for everything," the 22-year-old man from NY said. "To chase balls down quickly in empty bleacher areas, you need strong legs but also explosive quickness. So I used The Clear to give that mad-fast boost to the fast-twitch muscles in my quadriceps and hamstrings.

"And when one guy was moving in to try to get the Bonds home run ball from me, my leg had that explosive quickness to level a knee right into his crotch. He backed off real fast," Murphy noted.

"To grasp that ball or puck, you need strong but soft hands," he continued. "I used The Cream on my hands and fingers and did some basic weight lifting on each finger.

"Not only was I able to grab and hold the ball, but when some jackass got his ugly mug up in my grill, I was able to plunge one of my pumped-up thumbs right into his throat. He didn't seem so interested in the ball after that, in fact he started coughing and puking right as he was falling backward. It was awesome!

"They say steroids make you extremely aggressive, but that's just bull. Some folks said that I was belligerent, just because I was trying to bite and kick the security guards who came to take me out of the crowd. But hey, how could I know if they were real security guards or a bunch of jerks in blue uniforms trying to steal the ball away from me?

"And after they Tasered me the third time, I was cool about going with them anyway."

And there you have it. Will Bud Selig try to investigate Murphy? Maybe the commissioner should worry about his own "image," and go for some Botox treatments to soften up that sour puss of a face.

Rob Zombie Re-Imagines "Halloween"

After a number of sequels over the past two decades, the "Halloween" series of movies needed a kick in the pants, and it's getting it in the form of a brand new film from rocker-turned-movie-director Rob Zombie.

The former frontman for heavy metal band White Zombie has successfully branched off into filmmaking, with his previous movies gaining loyal fans, and even critics noting his distinctive style and flair. And now on August 31st he's releasing Halloween the movie, his own re-imagining of the 1978 horror classic that started it all.

My favorite horror classic? That might well be "The Shining," Stanley Kubrick's filming of the Stephen King novel. I was an adult when I saw it, but it still scared the crap out of me.

The visual effects and style added to the feel of menacing and impending doom. Rob Zombie has visual style in spades, and no doubt that's a lot of what he'll bring to the table in his "Halloween." He's the writer as well as the director, and he's even taken to writing his own comic book in recent years. So he's got a good sense of putting together a story as well.

As the writer and director, it's Zombie's vision of "Halloween" all the way through. With the style he's established in his earlier movies, it'll be very interesting to see what he can do with a new take on an old classic.

Check out the trailer below. It's scary for sure, but there isn't a lot of slashing and screaming. It seems to be creating a sense of dread, anticipation, and fear of what's around the corner, rather than just piling up a lot of gory killings. The mask is very creepy, too. Zombie seems to be working on putting fear into your mind. To me, that makes for a more satisfying horror film than just a lot of gory scenes over and over.

And with Rob Zombie at the helm, you know Halloween the movie is going to have a killer soundtrack (pardon the pun).

If there was any movie franchise that needed a new face and a fresh look, "Halloween" is it. And Zombie may just be the ideal guy to pull it off and breathe new life into a story everyone's familiar with.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Obama: I'd Send Barry Bonds to Pakistan

Clarifying his controversial remarks about rooting out Mideast terrorists, Barack Obama has said that if elected president he would send surly baseball slugger Barry Bonds to Pakistan as part of a military contingent. Bonds is rumored to have used steroids, as shown by his increased hitting power and very noticeable weight gain during the last decade.

"Al Quaeda's worst nightmare would be seeing a muscle-bound, ornery dude like Barry Bonds coming at them with a 22-ounce bat and a full-on fit of 'roid rage," Obama said at a recent campaign stop.

"Bonds has gained about 40 pounds since doing steroids, most of it on his head. When those terrorists see this huge dude with a noggin as big as a Macy's parade balloon coming at them with a golden cross pinned in his ear lobe, they'll crap in their pants and turn tail," the democratic candidate elaborated.

Obama said that he has not discussed this idea with Bonds, and admitted that the slugger may not be enthused about doing it. "But hell, if I'm President, I can command him to do it, right?," Obama said.

He noted that if Bonds were unavailable or in jail, baseball commissioner Bud Selig might also be an effective figure for scaring terrorists. "Have you seen the sourpuss face on that dude?," Obama asked. "He looks like he ate a huge chunk of limberger cheese coated with lemon juice and donkey pee."

Bonds, Selig, and Pakistan president Mushareff could not be reached for comment.