Thursday, January 29, 2009

Charles Widmore from "Lost" to Bail Out U.S.?

It's clear the U.S. economy is deep in the crapper, and with hundreds of billions of dollars not solving the problem, it's clear that only one person can come to the rescue: Charles Widmore.

Charles who, you say? Charles Widmore is the mysterious, obscenely rich mogul who's pulling a lot of the creepy strings in ABC's "Lost." Sure, he sponsors round-the-world sailing races and buys the very priciest single-malt Scotch, but that's run-of-the-mill billionaire stuff.

No, Charles Widmore can buy rare documents from a 19th-century slave ship, and what's more, carry out a massive diversionary campaign to find his true treasure: that mysterious South Pacific island that is home to the afore-mentioned slave ship, random polar bears, Others, Other Others, and a large quantity of Dharma Initiative Ranch Dressing. And, of course, the island can travel through time and space (which must wreck havoc with the ranch dressing's expiration date).

You see, Charles Widmore so badly wants the rest of the world to believe that Oceanic 815 was lost at the bottom of the ocean that he staged an elaborate fake crash scene on the bottom of the ocean. This is no mean feat; it involved buying a jetliner, filling it full of corpses (apparently these can be bought on the black market), and then having it placed at the bottom of the sea.

What price might Charles Widmore exact for agreeing to bail out the U.S. Treasury? Well, maybe the U.S. agreeing to give his hated son-in-law, Desmond, a one-way trip to the International Space Station. Or maybe a few of the U.S. Virgin Islands so that he can experiment with trying to send them through time and space? I hear St. John is nice this time of year (polar bears not included).

So how about it, Charles? You bail out our economy and we'll give you a Desmond Hume space shot and a few sunny islands? Tell you what, we'll throw in some of that specially aged Dharma Initiative Beer, too...

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