Saturday, August 04, 2007

Obama: I'd Send Barry Bonds to Pakistan

Clarifying his controversial remarks about rooting out Mideast terrorists, Barack Obama has said that if elected president he would send surly baseball slugger Barry Bonds to Pakistan as part of a military contingent. Bonds is rumored to have used steroids, as shown by his increased hitting power and very noticeable weight gain during the last decade.

"Al Quaeda's worst nightmare would be seeing a muscle-bound, ornery dude like Barry Bonds coming at them with a 22-ounce bat and a full-on fit of 'roid rage," Obama said at a recent campaign stop.

"Bonds has gained about 40 pounds since doing steroids, most of it on his head. When those terrorists see this huge dude with a noggin as big as a Macy's parade balloon coming at them with a golden cross pinned in his ear lobe, they'll crap in their pants and turn tail," the democratic candidate elaborated.

Obama said that he has not discussed this idea with Bonds, and admitted that the slugger may not be enthused about doing it. "But hell, if I'm President, I can command him to do it, right?," Obama said.

He noted that if Bonds were unavailable or in jail, baseball commissioner Bud Selig might also be an effective figure for scaring terrorists. "Have you seen the sourpuss face on that dude?," Obama asked. "He looks like he ate a huge chunk of limberger cheese coated with lemon juice and donkey pee."

Bonds, Selig, and Pakistan president Mushareff could not be reached for comment.

4 comments:

Harold J. Johnson said...

Ha, you had me there for a moment! I'm reading Barack's recent book right now, and though he's not completely humorous, I can't see him saying anything as hilarious as the satire you've written here.

Perhaps you should apply to write for The Onion?

Launchpad said...

Thanks for the comment... and the compliment. Unfortunately, I had a traumatic experience with onions when I was a teenager (I worked in a restaurant doing food prep, and often had to peel and chop an entire 50-pound bag of onions). So working for a company called The Onion would be a constant reminder of my frightful past with The Vegetable that Cannot Be Named.

Socal said...

The thing about this post is that there are people who will google, read this post and think that it's true. I'm sure you realize this and that makes you a first class JACKASS. I'm no Obamanite, but what could possibly be worse than a politician losing votes on the basis on something they've never said.

Launchpad said...

Socal, I wonder if you actually read anything besides the headline on the post.

What's the first word after the title of this blog? HUMOR. What's the first tag after the Obama post? HUMOR.

Maybe The Onion, Mad TV, and The Daily Show should all be banned lest someone confuse satire with reality. But maybe you already write complaints to all of those.