Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Colbert Runs for President; Larry Craig for VP?

Al Gore won't run, but mock talk-show host Stephen Colbert will. He's announced that he's going to run in his home state of South Carolina (I never would have pegged him as being from S.C., but that's besides the point).

Since Colbert will undoubtedly get plenty of press, I'd like to focus on a less talked-about issue: Who will Colbert choose as a running mate? Here's my suggestion: Since Colbert is a polished, urbane fellow, he should choose a more rural, down-to-earth guy for his veep.

My choice: None other than Larry "Wide Stance" Craig, the retiring-under-scandal U.S. Senator from Idaho. Despite his "I am not gay" protestations, I think everyone can read behind the lines and see the discomfort of Craig, a conservative from a conservative rural state, trying so hard to hold that closet door closed lest his inner Gay American burst out (or be dragged out).

It's been one of the funniest and most preposterous episodes in recent political memory, listening to Craig fumble and bumble in to the cameras while trying to explain that his playing footsy with a law enforcement officer in an airport men's room was not an attempt at a gay hookup.

Moving hit foot to the side to touch that of the undercover agent in the next stall? "I have a wide stance," Craig explained. I can't even remember how (or if) he tried to explain away rubbing his hand along the side wall of the stall, or putting his duffel bag in front of the stall door to obscure the view.

Listening to Craig's laughable explanations, I kept thinking of the bathroom scene in the first "Austin Powers" movie, in which Austin is in a stall next to the character played by Tom Arnold. While Austin grunts and groans as he fights with a henchman of Dr. Evil, demanding "Who does Number Two work for?," Arnold assumes his stallmate is struggling to unleash The Mother of All Dumps, telling Powers "You tell that turd who's boss!" and asking, "How about a courtesy flush?"

Since Larry Craig probably won't do it himself, I'm urging him to throw his hat into the ring... while keeping one foot in the stall and the other in the closet, of course.

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