Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Bush to Ship Trump, O'Donnell, Walters to Guantanamo Bay

BREAKING NEWS: Though unable to solve the conflict in Iraq, U.S. Pres. George W. Bush has sought to improve his popularity with the average American by seeking to defuse the nasty feud between Donald Trump, Rosie O'Donnell, and Barbara Walters.

Bush declared from the White House that the three have been named "enemy combatants" and will be immediately sent to the U.S. detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

The ongoing public feud between the windbag real-estate mogul and the hyper-chatty actress/TV show host had been at the top of surveys of issues that are troubling Americans. The concern over this issue has been shown to cut across all social, ethnic, and income groups.

In announcing the move, Bush stressed the importance of the detention of the three chatty-Kathy celebrities in the ongoing GWOT (global war on terror). "The American people yearn for security, prosperity, and above all, peace," Bush said in his Oval Office address. "This new step will help bring peace to our society and to our airwaves," he added.

The new policy immediately raised red flags in the human rights community. Both Amnesty International and the International Committee for the Red Cross expressed concern that the move was the latest U.S. attempt to violate the Geneva Standards and punish other detainees at Guantanamo Bay. "If the Guantanamo commanders were to take action against uncooperative prisoners by placing them in a fenced-in cell next to The Donald, Ms. Walters, or Ms. O'Donnell, most reasonable people would agree that that is tantamount to torture," noted ICRC spokeswoman Bronwyn Higginbottom.

The White House had no comment on this accusation. But an unnamed source in the Bush administration confirmed that Gitmo commanders had had success in "softening up" uncooperative detainees by forcing them to watch an endless loop videotape showing reruns of Walters and O'Donnell's daytime TV talk show, "The View."

In fact, an ICRC survey of detainees found that 65% of prisoners would rather be forced to participate in a naked human pyramid with other prisoners than to watch the morning TV talk show. "No BaBa WaWa! No BaBa WaWa!" one Gitmo prisoner was heard to shout while covering his ears in front of a TV set, referring to one of O'Donnell's co-hosts, veteran newswoman Barbara Walters.

The Trump/Rosie feud had been going on for a few weeks, with insults being lobbed back and forth. Recently Walters stepped into the debate by calling Trump a "poor, pathetic man." She added, "What's sad is that that scum-sucking casino-pimp has a ridiculous comb-over on his head that looks like a dodo bird in heat is making love to his balding cranium!," Walters spit out. "That comb-over looks like a cheap cast-off from a yard sale at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum!"

O'Donnell subsequently crowed on the air about the poor ratings for the latest edition of Trump's reality TV show, "The Apprentice." "The man is obsessed with me, and I'm happy to say his show tanked," Rosie said on the show, before placing a photo of Trump on a studio wall and spraying it with multiple rounds from an AK-47. The Russian-made rifle was a gift to Ms. O'Donnell from Russian President Vladimir Putin as a thank-you gift for canceling a trip the celeb had planned to make to Moscow last year. "The Russian people love Rosie from a long distance away," Putin remarked when presenting her with the assault rifle. "And the further the distance, the more we love her."

It was said that ABC TV originally fought to defend O'Donnell against being shipped to Gitmo, but recently changed its tune and is now in negotiations with the Department of Defense to obtain exclusive rights to filming the transfer of Trump, O'Donnell, and Walters to Gitmo. "This is going to be bigger than Martha Stewart going to Camp Cupcake!" an ABC spokesperson said, referring to the media attention generated with domestic diva reported to a minimum-security prison in West Virginia to serve time for lying about an insider stock trade.

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